Family.

okay, I'm going to spit some real stuff here, you might not want to read, thats okay, I just need to get it off my chest.

I wrote earlier about Anthony Walker, Mo Mowlam, and Robin Cook, and I said I'd write something in memory of them at some point. But I'm going to need to write something in memory of someone else who IMO makes them all ppale in comparison. My pops is in hospital, it aint the first time, he's had emphesemia for a while. I spent my A levels getting phone calls from him in the evening saying he was ill and Id take him into hospital, sit up all night with him, and then go to school the following day. When I got into Oxford he was proud of me for doing well despite all Id had to face, and I had to face a lot. My mum and dad split around the time of my birth so on paper Im from a single-parent family. It makes me laugh because my father was always there and I probably benefited more from this situation than if theyd stayed together. My father is a great man, he always had our backs. I remember one time, when he'd got too ill to come down to mine and Id go visit him instead. One day I cam home from school to find him sitting there, he'd struggled to drive up and get down the long path to our house. He did because we had been the victims of an attempted arson attack and racist graffiti that had been painted on the house, and he wanted to be there to explain it to me and make sure that I was okay. Even when he was in and out of hospital, he was always taking care of the whole family. In some ways I am fortunate that I have these few days to say my goodbyes to him. He taught me to play guitar and whenever I do, I think of him. He also taught me to be moral and show respect to others, he was strict without being aggressive. He once told me, I was complaining about something, and he just said "I used to complain that I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet." He was also intelligent, it amazes me that he has few books but knows so much. People often complain about their situation, but he was raised in a kids home, took care of hi big family, and his mother abused him, getting him out of care when he was of working age and then splitting later on leaving him with her debts. He has been robbed, racially abused and discriminated against, denied opportunities, lived on the poverty line, the whole works, but I have never heard him complain about his lot. He always more concerned with making things better to spend time feeling sorry for himself. I sometimes forget to do the same, but Im thankful that he taught me that.

He also had to face the problems that have plagued my family. My eldest brother has suffered mental health problems, my sister was with a man who beat her, and my other brother has been in trouble with the law and the ghetto for the past ten years, he's always been supporting all of us. My brother, the younger, was intelligent and charming, but he ditched school and moved out at 16. Thought a great way of making some cash would be to deal. He ran up one debt of about a grand, and my pops took out a loan to pay it off. He made it clear that he wouldnt do it again. So, when my brotherr ran up an even bigger debt, he had to split the city. He then managed to do the same in two other cities/towns. He wasnt even 20 then. He got himself arrested for carrying a fake gun, but they let him slide. A few years later, I went to visit my family and was staying at his. I was awoken one morning around 6am by him beating a woman in the room below; I looked out the window to see her walking up the street, blood pouring down her face, and I was disgusted with him. He got arrested a few years ago, after breaking bail numerous times, for stabbing some kid who was ten years younger than him. He got out this summer. He came up with the rest of the family to see pops and spent the entire time chonging and trying to start fights with all of us. We didnt bite, so he took off on my kid nephew. My brother is 27, my nephew is 12. I couldnt help thinking what an insult this was to my father, the proud, respectable man who had raised us all. He came up here to say goodbye to him and behaved like the complete antithesis of all my father stood for and believed in. I was, quite frankly, shocked. Despite wanting some time alone with my pops, he eschewed doing that and returned with the rest of my family for a few days to where they all now live. They had to go back to sort the kids out in school and stuff but are returning in a couple of days. He went back to cop a draw. He rang today to tell my mother how he went to cash his giro and they couldnt sort it for him, so he smashed up the place and hit a woman who works there, that they want him to hand himself in (he's on probo) but that he wouldnt do that until my pops has passed. I had to listen to my mother beg him to just hand himself in. I dont know yet what he's going to do. I know that what he has already done is completely insult and disrespect my father and the rest of the family with his attrocious behaviour. He begged my mum not to tell pops. He expects us all to lie to my dying father so he wont have to know what a complete fucnk up my brother is.

I dont know what the point of writing all this was. I just felt I had to get it out of my system. I dont want to know my brother anymore. He needs help but he wont admit it. I dont want to make excuses for him because I wouldnt with anyone else, and everything that he has done he has brought on himself. There's not an ounce of decency in it. Its not even like he was arrested for stealing in order to put food on the table. He had it all, opportunities, talent, support, but he threw it all away.

I might write more on this at a later point. I gotta go visit my pops right now. Im not going to lie to him. If he asks about my brother, Im just going to say that I havent spoken to him today. Thats not a lie, but its not entirely the truth, either.